it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
