This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
