no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
