We won't sleep together?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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