he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
