just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
