yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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