If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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