The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
