I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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