I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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