Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
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hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
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You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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