Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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