i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
