I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
