Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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