Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
