3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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