Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
