Old men and throwing up are my life now.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
