Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
