I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
