playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
