I wish I could teleport
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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