I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
