If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
