Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
