I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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