turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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