He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
