Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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