Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
