i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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