Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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