I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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