wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
