last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
