I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
