doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She bit a glass in half.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
