fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
