I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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