9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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