i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
