I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
