remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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