the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
