it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
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