Banned from zoo.
Again?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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