in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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