i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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