On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
