Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
