my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
