I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
