Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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