You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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