He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize